This Damn House - March 2008

Let me warn you. Applying a stucco finish to wallpaper might look nice in the short term. However, someday, and someday soon, a bearded, long-haired man will run his truck into your living room if you follow through. Why such a drastic reaction? There are a number of very strong reasons. Many are too terrible to tell even one's closest friends. But the only reason needed to head off such a stupid decoration scheme is this: only a sledgehammer will undo the damage. Unless, that is, you are an incredibly patient man, such as myself.

Moving on.

The carpets are long gone, as is ten or so layers of lead paint from three windows. And the border of ancient-looking world maps. Kilz the army green walls! Enough of this doom and gloom in the south-facing bedroom. How about a bright and cheery yellow? Or beige? Anything but the remnants of a crazy man's fantasy of being a World War veteran. He wasn't even born until the late sixties.

But the Home Depot offers so much joy. The local version of that company stocks a rather impressive line of American made tools and Green building materials. Lucky, as dust masks don't fit on my face very well.

Then there is the backyard. Spring is in the air and my delusions of being a farmer, er, lust for the outdooors...yes...has gotten me. Two weekends ago I drove twenty miles to pick up from the factory my Mantis electric tiller. Snicker all you like. It's maiden voyage in North Wales impressed the neighbors. Within 45 minutes I had a quarter of my yard turned over. I was drinking whiskey at the time and had to stop for my own safety, of course, but it could have all gone under before our daylight savings sun went down. Yes, the earth was black and smelled like rotting fungus. Perfect.

All for now.

This Damn House - April 2007

One in a series of achived stories copied here...

So I began power washing my deck. Well (and just like that you can tell that this is not a happy story), the power line on the back of my house is not a dedicated circuit. Turns out, that back wall shares one circuit, inside and out. Yes, then, my fridge is on that same circuit. So, when my fridge kicked on, there was a surge, and the motor of the power washer burned out.

Better to have loved and lost, i guess.

But once I get an idea in my head, there is really no going back. Such commitment, or possibly foolishness, or maybe mild retardation, this time, lead to me scrubbing the entire deck by hand. Ipso facto, my arms are killing me. Let it be said, though, that I used Seventh Generation dish soap so no petro chemicals were consumed and the run off was completely non toxic. And very green.

Now that i've showered and feel somewhat human again--being covered in deck mold is a very odd feeling--I think I'll have a beer and fall asleep in the sun. A third degree sunburn should fit in well today.